- Sausage or hot pot? - Hot pot, please.
- Chips or new potatoes? - Erm, chips, please.
What would you like, mate?
Can I have the chocolate crunch with mint custard, please?
Yes, we've got chocolate crunch. But I don't think we've got any mint custard.
Lol, have we got any more mint custard?
If it's not in front of you, I ain't got any back here.
We've still got tons of coffee whip.
- We've got coffee whip. - Coffee whip?
I know.
- Lol, is that mint custard I can smell? - Get out!
- Sorry, sorry. - Out, out, out!
- What you do you want? - Just a little bit of dinner.
- A bit of that mint custard if it's going. - No, we've got none left!
- We've got coffee whip. - What the fuck's coffee whip?
Coffee. Whipped.
Ew, Lol! At least tell me you've got chips today?
- Have we got any chips back there, Lol? - No more chips today.
What? For fuck's sake, Lol. Why do you always run out of chips?
Everyone loves chips. Just make more chips.
Make people happy. Make some more chips. Please, Lol.
Make some more.
Finished?
What we gonna have instead?
A fucking knuckle sandwich if you carry on, Gadget.
- I'll make some you new potatoes. - I don't like new potatoes.
Get out! You'll get what you're fucking given. Now go and wait round the back!
Gone downhill this place.
Here he is.
- How we looking, Gadge? - Not very good, mate.
- What's up? - Well, we've got new potatoes...
...no chips.
And for dessert, we've got coffee whip.
Ooh, coffee whip's nice.
- Are you taking the piss? - No, it's nice.
My mum does it all the time. It's dead nice.
What are you frowning for? It's free.
It's not about the money, is it, Milk?
It's about the nostalgia, isn't it? Like...that's why we come here.
I don't even know what that means.
It means having meals that we used to have when we were happy, when we were kids.
When have you ever ate new potatoes and felt happy?
"Oh, here's a big plate of new potatoes."
"Yeah, cheers, Mum."
Do not worry, Gadge, them good times will come again.
Will they, though? Will they?
There She Goes
♪ There she goes
♪ There she goes again
♪ Racing through my brain
♪ And I just can't contain
♪ This feelin' that remains
♪ There she blows
♪ There she blows again
♪ Pulsing through my vein
♪ And I just can't contain
♪ This feelin' that remains
Good morning, Manchester!
♪ There she goes
♪ There she goes again
♪ She calls my name, pulls my train
♪ No-one else could heal my pain
♪ But I just can't contain
♪ This feelin' that remains
Ladies and gentlemen,
we're leaving Downing Street for the last time
after 11 and a half wonderful years.
And we're very happy that we leave the United Kingdom
in a very, very much better state
than when we came here 11 and a half years ago.
Thank you very much. Goodbye.
♪ There she goes
J“ There she goes
Hiya, gorgeous boy.
Hello.
Oh, hello, Tina Teaspoon and Mrs Spoon.
And Mr Spoon.
Oh, here he is. Where the fuck have you been?
Oh, yeah, nowhere. You know, just the usual.
FBI Gadget interrogating me about school dinners.
I swear to God, he's smelt a rat.
- Has he smelt a rat? - Yeah.
Go on, what's happened?
Well, it's the...it's the dinners.
It's the portions he's getting. It's what he's getting.
- What's he come away with? - He knows, he knows
that what's in our bag isn't in his bag.
- I'm telling you. - How does he know?
How does he know? He can't possibly bloody know, Milk, if it's in a bag.
He hasn't actually seen in the bag because I've managed to fend him off until now.
- Good lad. - But he can smell it.
I'm telling you, the guy's like a bloodhound whenever it comes to anything deep-fried.
So what's he actually... What's he come away with then?
You see this is the problem, Woods, I actually feel sorry for him.
He came away today with new potatoes and coffee whip.
- Oh, shit. - I mean, I had to pretend I like coffee whip
and I frickin' hate it.
I can't take this pressure any more!
What, you can't take this pressure? It's partly your fault, isn't it? Cos...
- How? - You've just got to be better at what you do!
All right, then, here's a solution. Here's a real good solution.
- I look after the kids tomorrow. - Oh, no.
- And you - yeah, and you go and deal with him. - No.
You can't swap horses halfway through a race, can you?
When's that ever been done?
If you wanna fix this fast, take him out of the queue!
- Right... - That's what needs to happen.
- Take him out the queue. - Listen, what's gonna happen if I pull him out?
He's manipulative when it comes to food. What will he do?
He's gonna go straight to Mr Skipper, that's what he's gonna do.
He's gonna go in that office. He's gonna pull the plug on the whole thing.
I don't know what else... What do you want me to tell you?
He's daft as shit when it comes to anything in life except for food.
Food. I know, I know.
No, I shouldn't think so.
Too hard up for a tourist. Took him all his time to find the 40 pence for the pier.
- It's just not bloody right. - What's not bloody right, love?
- Taking food from kids. - I'm not taking it from the kids.
If we didn't eat it, it would just go in the bin. It's from the last sitting.
There's loads of food in the cupboards here.
I don't see the logic in walking two miles for some.
It's not the same, is it? You can't recreate a good school dinner at home.
- It's just not right! - What? Sausage and chips?
- What's wrong with my sausage and chips? - Nothing, it's just... I don't know.
No-one knows, do they? It's just...
school dinners are loads better than normal.
Sausage has seen better days.
It looks grey.
He's only in the village five minutes and you've got him at death's door.
Gossip, Maggie. Gossip.
The spice of life.
Shaun, is now a good time to talk about college?
No. No, it's not.
Never is a good time to talk about college.
You know you've got to do something about that.
I don't wanna go back to college! I've told you this...
- Why not, love'? - ..a million times - cos it's shit.
Everyone's up their own arses. I don't fit in there.
- It's not my cup of tea. I don't wanna go. - You were great in that school play.
Oh, back to this again, are we?
If you would've persisted at that, just think where you'd be now.
Mum, I hated that fucking course. You know I did.
Shaun, it wasn't the course that you hated.
It was getting caught up in-between that young girl's legs.
- I don't know what you were thinking. - How embarrassing!
It's the bloody truth.
- I don't wanna talk about it, Mum. - I know you...
- I don't wanna talk about it. - I know you've been upset about Michelle.
I know you have. I understand that.
- Mum! - But you can't spend your life sat around here.
And you're never gonna meet a young lady, sat around that flat,
- smoking them funny fags with them lot. - Mum!
One, I don't miss Smell. And two, I'm off out tonight as it happens.
- Where are you going? - Off down to town hall.
There's a Madchester thing on.
What's a bloody Madchester thing when it's at home?
It's like a disco. Have you never heard of The Stone Roses or the Happy Mondays or owt?
Yes, I have, actually.
Waste of space. You can't hear a word they're saying.
They look like they need a bloody good wash and a good sleep and a haircut.
Hallelujah
Is it really, really out of the question to ask for half a cigarette or...?
It's finding half a cig to be honest with you, mate.
- Can I have a bit of mix then instead? - Here. Three quarters there.
Spot-on, brother. Thank you. Thank you very much.
S' Hallelujah, hallelujah
♪ We're here to pull ya...
What? What is this show?
Is it...? it should be called... "Bummy, bummy, bum box telly".
It's WrestleMania, Kel. It's a sport.
- It's gay. - It's a sport.
- Look at these athletes, playing a sport. - Warriors.
Warriors. There's no warriors in that. It's not even real.
They're warriors. They're trained. Their bodies are trained to fight each other.
So you're telling me, your attention right now
is not going to them vacuum-packed little pants.
- Yeah, that's what I'm saying. - Why would we be looking at their pants?
Look at his sweat patch. It started from his...his "goochel" area.
- He's working hard, isn't he? - And he's sweating all the way up
to his “bumbershnuck" pack.
These guys are sweating cos they're... These guys are modern-day gladiators, mate.
All that's missing here is lions and a guy doing, doing all that shit.
I bet you're getting a...
- a little titchy-tatchy tuna dicky. - Fuck off!
Pour Some Sugar On Me
- Oh, what the flipping aid is that? - Fuck knows.
- That is unreal, man. - That is literally offending my ears, that is.
That is fucking ear rape.
Where's it gone?
Freeze!
Only joking. We're not the cops.
- Flip and Higgy. - Good to see you.
- Good to see you both. - You look far out, man.
- You're looking well, both of you. Similar. - Thanks.
Cheers. It's not an accident.
- Was that your music, was it? - Absolutely.
- Awful, man. It's hurting. Loud. - Oh, come on.
- What you into? Roses and shit? - Yeah.
- It's gay- - It's gay?
- Yeah. Proper. - And it's a fucking con.
- Yeah. - Yeah?
Elizabeth My Dear. Ten seconds long. What you gonna do during that?
You can't cruise very far.
- Not in ten seconds. - Not in ten seconds.
- Nice one. Cheers, lads. - Ten-second cruise.
What the fuck do you want? Why are you here?
It's funny you should say that, Harv.
I'm after some of the er... dopas mopas, por favor?
- The what? - Come on, Harv.
- You know what he means, mate. - No, I don't. I ain't got a clue.
- A bit of Pat Cash. - What?
Some of the old, er...wacktoria backtoria.
Are you assuming I'm some drug dealer or summat like that?
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let's not throw words around like that, Harvey.
I think we're safe here, lads, to be honest.
You know, word on the street, you're the Pablo Escobar on this estate.
- Yeah? - We've just come to see you.
OK. Right, what do you want, then?
- A quid's worth. - A quid's worth?
Just for tonight. Can have it back in the morning. You won't even know it's gone.
- Right. You're gonna borrow a quid's worth. - Yeah, that's it.
- It don't work like that, boss. - Let me explain.
- There's this bird. - Yeah?
She's gonna let me shag her if I can get her some of that stuff.
Now, she wants the Red Seals but any old shit's sound.
So, what I'm thinking is, I'm gonna let her sniff it...
while I'm up to me old tricks in her knick-knacks.
- Yeah. - Yeah? Pop it back in the wrapper,
nip it back round in the morning.
You don't have to give me the full quid back. Just 50p or summat.
I'm telling you now, mate, smelling it won't do fuck all.
- It will. - No, it won't. It don't work like that.
You have to burn it. You have to burn it, inhale it or eat it or summat.
- No, it's called sniff banging. - Sniff banging.
- Yeah. It's new. - Right.
- It's hot from the States. - OK.
Erm... Well, if I give it you, then, will you take your shit heap and fuck off?
- Oh, I'll take that one. Go on, mate. - No worries, mate.
- Enjoy this. - It's only for me.
There you go. There's your fucking quid's worth. There's your molecule.
Thanks. Higgy.
Knock yourselves out.
- See you in the morning. - See you later.
- Enjoy, boys. Yeah, nice one.
- Brilliant. - See you in a bit.
- Take care. - Take it easy.
Lovely.
What a rush!
I can see why that's addictive.
I feel like Anthony Montana!
Right, then. Shall we say hello to all the animals in the zoo?
Shall we say hello to all the animals in the zoo?
Can you wave, Jimmy?
Say, “Hello, rabbit. Hello, donkey.
Hello, turtle. Hello, lion." Raarrrr!
- Should I check on the kids? - No, she's fine, don't worry.
- They're a bit of a handful. - Don't worry. She's so good with them.
- Sun's out. They've no cream on, have they? - She's fine. We've put some sheets up.
She's made a little kind of pink tent - pink palace, she says.
- Pink palace. - She's great with them, isn't she?
- Yeah, she is, yeah. - Is she staying here then at the minute or...?
Yeah, just for a bit. She's here, sort of now and then.
- A few nights, you know? - What's a few nights, like?
- A few nights a week, you know? - A few nights a week?
- Four or...five. - It's not been easy for her at home.
They've had a bit of erm... Her mum and dad have split up.
- Oh! - Oh, yeah.
- So she's stopping here while it, you know? - It's a shame.
Give her a bit of stability, a bit of normal family life.
So she's come to live here, my ex-lover? Now she's living here?
- At the moment, yeah. - At the moment, yes. It's just...
She offered us rent, actually.
- She offered you rent? - She did.
- You said... - We said no.
We both said no, didn't we?
That's a really good idea.
- Come on! - Shall we sing?
♪ Twinkle, twinkle, little star!
I might just go... I might just go and have a little look.
- It's just the lack of cream on them. - No, no, can you...?
- Richard. Sit down. - Jimmy burns. He's ginger-haired.
- No, honestly, it's fine. Sit down, sit down. - Richard.
There's a little something, isn't there, that er...
We've got a bit of a er, well...
- It's a bit of a surprise. - A surprise?
The kind of surprise where your kids can't be in the room, kind of surprise?
- It's so you can concentrate on it. - Call it our Cilla moment, if you will.
- What is it? - Is it a big black dildo?
- Bosh! - Oh, come on, son!
Stop it, son!
- Really, no. No. - Went too far. I shouldn't have...
Just mucking around.
So, what's...?
That's a moving cupboard with a grunting thing in it, isn't it?
- That's got to be it, hasn't it? - Is that the surprise?
- It's a puppy, isn't it? - Well... Shall I er...?
- Get it. - Is it a pig?
- One, two, three, four. - It's moving.
You can come out now!
- Hey! - Surprise, surprise!
- It's Mr Squires! - It is, isn't it?
What is he doing in that cupboard? Why would you do that?
- Look at his face. - I can't... Why?
- You didn't know that was gonna happen. - Hiya, mate.
- So shocked. - Come here, give us a hug.
- Surprise, surprise! - You weren't expecting that, were you, son?
- You're always saying we're boring. - Yeah.
- Not so boring now, are we? - No!
- Surprise, surprise! - Mr Squires in a cupboard!
Wouldn't call that boring!
My God, woman!
Smell. Smell!
- 'Ey up. - Shaun.
How are you? You all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine. - Good. You look really nice.
Mm. Thanks.
The blue really suits you, in your hair. Is that a real bird?
No, I'm a fucking vegetarian.
Oh, yeah.
So, er... How's all the college going? Are you still doing all your drawings and that?
Yeah, great.
Would, erm...?
Later on there's this thing at the town hall. It's like a Madchester thing.
Like a mad rave. There's, erm...all the gang are getting together.
We're all gonna go, if you fancy it?
I don't think that would be a very good idea.
Well, why not?
I've met someone.
What do you mean, you've met someone?
I've met someone.
He's called Haris, and I really like him.
Sorry, Shaun.
Well...good. You know...
I'm happy for you.
You deserve better than what I did to you, don't you, so...
I'm pleased you're moving on.
Right, well, I better get going anyway, so...
At least think about coming tonight, yeah?
All right. I'll think about it.
- All right? - Cool, yeah. All right, I'll see you later.
You see, the reason why I'm here, you see, is cos I'm going solo.
I'm leaving the firm. I gave them the opportunity to pay me what I was due,
and they turned me down flat.
- They fired you? - I'm setting up on me own!
- Wow. - It's amazing, isn't it?
- Back where I belong. - Really brave!
- Brilliant. - That's awesome.
There's more. I want you with me.
- Oh, now then. - Back where you belong, by my side!
- Yeah. - And I'm not just talking wages here.
I'm talking about partnership. Well, junior partnership.
- A junior partnership? - Profit share, profit share!
- And what I'm offering you here, lad. - Yeah?
I'm offering you the stars.
I'm offering you the moon on a stick and a bag to put it in.
- I'm offering you the world! - Amazing. That's fantastic.
- But the thing is... - It wouldn't really work.
It wouldn't really work because of the children.
- He's got the kids. I'm at work. - You could look after the kids.
She's doing her...dinner lady.
- I run the kitchen. - She's not just a dinner lady.
- I'm there full time. - She's in charge of t'kitchen.
- OK, well... - She runs it.
But I want you to see the potential. Do you know what I mean?
- You don't understand what he's offering you. - No, I do. I get it. I do get it.
What if Lorraine doesn't have to leave her job?
- You keep doing your boss dinner lady. - I can't leave.
- And maybe Jennifer could look after the kids? - No.
My former lover look after the children instead of their mum and dad?
- I wouldn't be comfortable. - I'm not comfortable with that.
- You've got to see the potential. - Think about it sensibly.
To me, it looks a bit like you're struggling.
- It looks... - We're fine.
What do you mean, it looks like we're struggling?
- Hang on a minute. Whoa, whoa! - Yeah? What?
I don't comment on you and your matching weird psychopath gear.
- Now, that's just...rude. That's just rude. - You're being rude with me, Mum.
- I'm not being rude. - Assuming that my...
We might look like a bag of...
- All right, Woody! - Stop talking.
Don't you judge me and my family!
We might look like a bag of unorganized shit sometimes, pal, but we are...
We're fucking happy. Isn't that every parent's dream!
- You fucking presumptuous pair of arseholes! - Woody! That's it. OK.
- Let's just all calm down. - You've pissed me off big time!
- All right, son. That'll do, that'll do. - You've gone way over the mark.
- I think maybe... - I wanna smash the fucking front room up.
- I think we should take a break. - Trying to make us wear slippers.
- What's happened to you? - This has obviously not worked.
No, it hasn't fucking worked. It's pissed me off!
- Right. Let's just take a minute. - All right, son.
- Maybe a cup of tea, Barbara? Or... - I agree with you, Lorraine.
...coffee or summat. I don't know.
- Presum...presuming... - Sssh.
Pre-fucking... Making out like...
We might look like shit, but we're fucking happy!
All right, well, we'll just sort it out.
- She's crying now. - Yeah, course she is.
Fucking water works.
- Wowee! - What do you mean "wowee"?
I've never seen you suck a bong like that, mate!
- It's how I always do them. - It's not how you always do them at all.
- Yeah, it is. - Gadget, how does he do a pipe?
Normally takes a couple of hits and pretends he's stoned.
- Fuck off, Gadge, you're always doing that! - No, he ain't!
The only time you've been stoned we had to take you to fucking hospital.
- It wasn't the hospital, it was the drop-in centre. - They still took your blood pressure and your...
How would you feel, if you thought you were swallowing your tongue? It's a bit worrying.
It's a bit unusual, mate.
- How you feeling? - All right. Will you just leave it out?
I'm just having a bit of a shit day!
Why you having a shit day?
It's me mam getting on at me all the time and...
Well, I went down to the college earlier on and I've seen Smell.
- And don't take the piss, mate. - Mm.
It's... It was just a bit...
...a bit shit, like, she's got a new boyfriend.
Is he a pirate?
- What do you mean, is he a pirate? - Is he a pirate?
I don't know if he's a pirate. Why would he...?
I tell you and you're taking the piss! No, he wasn't a pirate.
I've heard she's going out with a pirate. I'm not being funny. That's what I heard!
- Got a hook. - Fuck off, lads!
Actually, I've heard that she's going out with a pirate, no bullshit.
She's not going out with a pirate, all right?
Do you really miss her?
Yeah, a bit, like, but...
It's upsetting you that she's out of your life and that?
Not really. Well, a little bit.
Do you know what, Shaun? If you want, I'll pretend to be her.
- I'd rather you not, mate. - "Shaun, come on, we're off to Israel."
- "Come on, Shaun." - "Shaun."
“Shaun."
- Don't, lads. Fucking hell. - "Shaun, dress up for me."
"Shaun."
"Shaun, I want you to finger me."
"Shaun, my vulva is pulsing.
- "It's pulsing!" - Shut up, lads.
Am I better looking than her? Tell me the truth?
- Am I? - Yeah.
You can fuck me, then.
God...l actually just wanna go out tonight now, lads, and just get fucked.
Oh, well, we will do that then, mate.
You're not gonna be partying at the discotheque if you've just done that big suck.
Fuck off, mate, I'll be all right!
♪ There'll be no more Shauny at the discotheque
♪ You'll be asking for Mummy at the discotheque
Stop winding me up, mate. I'm all right, honestly.
You're not all right. You're looking a bit floaty.
Floaty? I'm fucking fine. I'll have another one if you think I'm that fucking bad!
Go on, then.
Go on, then, babe.
Ah, fuck.
There's no way I'm going back to that. Absolutely no fucking way.
He'd make me shave!
- Bloody hell. - He'd make me shave.
I'm happy, you know? Jesus Christ.
- That's the dream. - Don't you want him to take it?
He does what he wants. We'll manage without it but if you wanted to do it you could.
If you want me to go back to the factory - hand on me heart - I will go back to that factory.
- I'm not gonna make you go back to the factory. - I know.
But we're not gonna end up with a great big fucking garden...
- On my wages? No. - ..on your wages.
"You're just a dinner lady! You're only a dinner lady!"
That's what his mum kept saying to me.
- We're all dinner ladies here. - Your mum comes out with some shit.
She's a fucking gobshite. "Mr Squires in a cupboard.“ I've never seen her like that.
By some fucking evil twist, you're now the normal ones.
I love coming round here. I can't stand going round there.
I wouldn't say that!
- Trust me, we're not that fucking weird! - I don't know, we've got two mums.
Hey!
At least you've got a mum and a dad.
Shit, yeah. I forgot about the dad and the hammer thing.
- Woody. - Ooh.
♪ Gone too far... - Yeah.
Why would anyone do that?
- How can anyone ruin a...? - Just be quiet.
What's going on tonight?
I've heard there's a discotheque. ls there a discotheque?
Yeah, there's a erm...a Manchester night.
Mm, tell me about it.
So, it's like, all the music from the bands in Manchester that's playing.
- Oh, that sounds good. - Yeah, it will be good.
Will all the Manchester bands come here?
No. Ian Brown wouldn't grace his presence here.
- Who's he? - Ian Brown.
- Lol! - I'm not down with the kids.
I know who he is.
- Do you? - Yeah, I do!
♪ Der-der... Kelly. - Go on, then.
♪ Der-der-der ding-dink digger-digger dink
♪ A flink-a-flonk, a wank-a-chink ding-dong
- Fucking hell. - Fucking Idiot's Gold, yeah.
- I know about them. - Not quite like that.
- Wanky-shank? ♪ Wanky-shank, a-dink-a-flank ding-dong
Yeah, I've heard them on the radio. I have.
- Why don't you come with us? - I think Lol should come.
What? To listen to that: dig-a-dig-a-ding?
- It doesn't sound like that. ♪ Donk-a-ding-dong-ding
I can't. I've got to pick the kids up and bath them.
I'll do all that. That's no excuse. I'll do it.
- We'll do that. - They'll do it.
Why don't you go out, then?
Because I'm... oh, I am so... I'm busy.
- Very busy. - With what?
With big long session wanks to fucking Readers' Wives.
You asked me. I'm telling you. Do you want me to... I don't wanna lie to you, Lol.
Or any of you for that matter. I love you too much.
- Are you coming? - I ain't got anything to wear,
and I'd have to go back home, pick up my shirt, come back here.
- It's too much of a mission. - I've got loads of your old Fred Perrys upstairs.
- I'm not gonna be dressing up. - That's a definite.
That's true.
- Let's get Lollipop dressed up! - Yeah.
- Come on. - I didn't have any choice, did I?
- Are you all right with that? - Yeah, we don't mind.
- Feed them and bath them. - Enjoy your wank.
- I will do. I'll be thinking of you, Lol. - You better be!
- Thank you, girls. Awesome. - It's all right.
- You won't lez off in front of my kids, will you? - Oh, fuck off, Woody!
The Only One I Know
♪ The only one I know
- Thanks for bringing me here. - You're very welcome.
I thought it was just gonna be me and you, though.
Well...well, me and Higgy. Like I said, you, me and Higgy.
Just me and you. I thought we were, like, on a date.
- We are on a date, Sonia. - Yeah, the date's just between me and you.
Yeah. But Higgy's always there. He's my best pal.
- The world. - In the world.
Whoo!
- ..upstairs? - Looks it, doesn't it?
There's a fucking lot of people, man.
Lads!
- What's up? - I feel a bit sick, to be honest.
- Why? - That fucking weed, man.
- Chill out. Chill out. - Are you having a bit of a whitey, Shaun?
- You were sucking that bong very hard, boss. - Yeah, it's just the weed, mate.
You'll get over it in like ten minutes. Don't worry.
Are you spinning a bit?
Shaun, just try and think about something else, mate.
- Do you want a cuddle? - Don't, mate, please.
What you need is more drugs.
I know it sounds bad at this point, but you're going right down
and you need to be brought back up.
- More drugs? - Yeah.
- Fuck that, mate. No way. - This is different.
In ten minutes, you'll be fucking sound as a pound.
Think of it, yeah, weed's a downer, speed's an upper.
- Get a little dab of that. - Have a tiny bit now.
Ten minutes you'll feel right as rain.
- Promise that'll make me feel better? - I swear to you.
Dab a bit on your finger like that.
Give it a rub on your gums, man.
Don't even have to sniff it or anything.
- There's fucking loads on there. - There's not!
- Seen how much I had? - Get it down you.
- That's fucking minging! - Horrible.
- You get used to it. - You've had it, haven't you?
- Right, come and sit down. - Good boy. Let's have a seat.
You're just having a whitey, mate.
Step On
Anyhow, I was wondering if we should get the er...Red Seals procedures underway.
Er...not yet. We'll have a laugh first and then we'll do a bit of that.
- That'll be a laugh. Quite a laugh in store. - No, no, I just wanna get warmed up.
- Know what I mean? - Right. Yeah, yeah, of course.
Of course, you'll feel much better once the narcotics are into your system.
- It takes a good hour so... - Hour?
- About that, yeah. - For fuck's sake. Why didn't we do it earlier?
Well, I wanted to save the experience of the VIP room for you, Sonia.
VIP room? Me?
Only the best for you, Sonia. Only the best.
- Is that like famous people? - Loads of famous people in there.
- You're joking! - No. Loads, isn't there, Higgy?
- What's that? - Famous people in the VIP.
Yeah, yeah. I think, erm... Des Walker might be coming down.
- Des Walker? - Yeah, good friend of mine.
- No! - Yeah.
- Think he'd talk to me? - I could introduce you, no probs.
So shall we pop off?
- Go and meet Des? - Yeah, let's do that.
- Let's hold hands. - Yeah.
- Oh, is he...? - Come on, Higgy. Come on, Higgy.
Yeah, Higgy's coming.
After you, I'll get the door. After you, mademoiselle.
- Hello, Lol. Kelly. - Hey. You all right, Col?
Good to see you. You're just like Annie Lennox.
- Oh, thanks. - Bros.
You're very lovely tonight, ladies.
Not as lovely as you, Sonia, obviously. I was being nice.
- Anyway, can't stop and chat. See you later. - See you in a bit.
- Where you going? - VIP.
- VIP, where's that? - Yeah, it's VIP, Kelly. VIP.
Not in here, there isn't, surely.
- Fucking hell, it's loud! - Yeah, well, it's a disco, not a wake!
- What's this one? I don't know this one. - This? This is the Mondays.
- Oh, is this it? - This is it.
I like it.
Fucking hell, I wish I'd had a drink.
Oh, mate, hang on.
Oh, I should have known!
Fools Gold
And this, this is the fucking Roses! Wah!
- Fucking hell, is she all right? - Yeah. She's wired!
She's fine. We're not kids any more, are we?
- Well, go and join her, then. - You're fucking coming with me. Come on.
♪ The pack on my back is aching
♪ The straps seem to cut me like a knife
Higgy. You'll be wearing this, I'm afraid, my friend.
There it goes. Look at that. Perfect blindfold.
That's it. If you just take your trousers down, so only I can see.
Is that a good height for you there, Sonia?
- Just sniff this, then? - You just...you just bend over and sniff that.
I'm just gonna have a quick... Very nice.
- You all right there? - I'll take those down for you.
- You after something? - Yeah. Two wraps of whizz, mate.
- Nice one, yeah. - Yeah, yeah.
Have a good night.
If you could just be quiet for one minute, please. Here it comes.
It's OK.
- Oh, my God. - Fucking head down.
My head is down. What are you talking about?
He keeps trying to get a sneaky peek.
- I love you so much. - Don't flatter yourself, darling.
I really care about you.
- Do you? - Oh, yeah. Get ready for it.
- What's it like, Sonia, that? You getting high? - It's really nice.
Get your fucking head... Look at him! Look at him!
You're a sneaky bastard, you are. Put your head down.
I love you both so much!
♪ These boots were made for walking
♪ The Marquis de Sade don't wear no boots like these
♪ Gold's just around the corner
♪ Breakdown's coming up round the bend
Keep sniffing. That's right.
- Oh, my God. - He's coming.
- Nearly there! - Are you finished yet?
- I'm coming. Oh, my God! - You sneaky bastard.
- I bet you are. I bet you are. - No.
Oh, take it off. I can't breathe.
♪ I'm standing alone
♪ I'm watching you all
♪ I'm seeing you sinking
♪ I'm standing alone
♪ You're weighing your gold
♪ I'm watching you sinking
♪ Fool's gold
Fires are lit to prepare food and, during the night,
Pakan has come up-river to supervise the festivities
which will lead to the naming of his child.
Oh, fucking hell.
Hello? Hello?
Oh, hello, son.
It's your dad. Richard.
Yeah, I know. Dad, you don't have to give me your... I know it's you.
You don't have to... Dad Richard? What are you on about?
Thank you, son, that's... For being so humorous.
Ha!
Me and your mum, we felt that we ought to apologise, son.
We're...we're very so... We're very sorry.
- What are you apologizing for? - We're sorry. We're very sorry.
We meant well but, you know,
it didn't pan out quite as we thought it would.
No, it's gone massively tits up. The thing... Go on.
We'd just like to know that, if you think we should ask Jennifer...
- Oh. - ..to stop staying over,
then we are prepared to do that.
No, I don't want you to tell Jennifer to stop staying over.
- We... Because we have... - For fuck's sake.
- We have been selfish. We have. - Mm.
You know, you've just accepted it, even though...
- Listen, it's fine. - Well, it may well have...
It was obviously very difficult for you, then we went and did that with Mr Squires.
- I don't know what we were thinking. - Dad...
It seemed like a good idea the other night.
But looking back on it, it seems so stupid and I don't know why...why we did it.
It's fine!
Honestly, I'd completely forgotten about it.
I'm just sat here watching a doco.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, honestly, it's...
Honestly, Dad, it's fine.
I don't want you to tell Jennifer to move out of your house.
I think it's amazing that you're happy. I'm made up for you both.
- Is Mum there, right next to you? - She is, yeah.
- I'm here as well. - Yeah, I know. I can hear you there.
- He says that he doesn't want us to... - Course she's there.
- ...to tell Jennifer to leave. That she can... - No.
- You just have to say the word. - You just have to say the word, son.
- Just say the word. - No, I'll say two words - it's fine.
How does that sound?
He says it's fine. He says, "Two words - it's fine," he says.
- Hilarious, innit? - Ah, thank you, son.
No, it's all right. Listen, it's fine. It's absolutely fine.
- Are you sure? You're absolutely sure? - Absolutely 100% sure.
- He's sure. He says, "Absolutely 100% sure." - Yeah, nine o'clock.
What... What's... What's the documentary?
It's about a tribe living in the jungle.
- What? - He's watching a documentary.
It's about a tribe living in the jungle.
- Oh, right. - Which jungle, son? Which...
- The Amazon. - The Amazon?
- Yeah. - It's the Amazon.
Listen, they know about, er...global warming
without even needing a TV or a radio or anything.
Apparently they know about global warming without needing a TV...
- No technology of any kind. - Without any kind of technological apparatus.
They just... How do they... How do they find out?
Have they got their own sort of kind of inventions made of bamboo or anything like that?
Like... Son?
Dad, hang on. Hang on a minute. Just a minute.
- I beg your pardon, love. - Ask him how much longer it's on for.
How long is it on...? How long is it on for?
It's on...it's on for another maybe half an hour.
Tell him we'll watch it when you get off the phone.
Yeah? Well, because...we might... we might watch it ourselves.
- Yeah. - And then it'll be like, er...
Well, we can all watch it together at the same time.
We can - we're in different houses. How mad's that?
- En famille, as they say in...in France. - Yeah.
Now, are we... Do you feel like maybe we've...
Cos this documentary, I'm just...I'm halfway in now.
- All right. I'm sorry to keep you, son. - It's all right.
It's...it's a great weight off our mind.
Yeah, well, now that I know you can sleep, will you just...just go away?
Of course we will, son.
- Yeah. - OK, son.
All right, Dad. I love you. Love you, Mum. Bye, then.
- He says he loves you. - Love you too, darling.
- She says she loves you too. - All right.
All right. All right, son. Thanks ever so much.
Yeah, I've got to go. See you in a bit. All right, bye, Dad.
- Bye, bye, bye, bye. - Bye.
- Fucking hell. - Bye, bye, bye.
...with the family households of the women and their husbands around the circumference.
A political order of relations among the age groups
and the performance of public ceremony have their focus in the men's house.
At the age of eight, he's removed from his family house round the edge of the circle
and goes to live in the men's house, which functions like a boarding school.
- I'm hungry. - I'm fucking starving.
You're always hungry.
- I'm not eating after that. - What we having?
- Deep pan? - No, don't fancy that.
- Curry? - Curry, that's what I want.
- I haven't had curry for ages. - Are you Shaun?
Yeah, who are you?
I'm Haris. I'm Michelle's boyfriend.
- Michelle, as in Smell? - Yeah.
She told me to come tell you that she's sorry that she couldn't come.
She felt a bit uncomfortable, so...hope that we're cool.
Why do you think it's fucking acceptable to come over here and tell me that?
Like I give a fuck what you two get up to or talk about.
- I couldn't give a fuck. - You cared about Michelle.
I do, but I don't care about you.
Yeah, but I'm doing this for Michelle. I'm making it comfortable for her.
- Fuck off, mate. - Yeah, I think you'd better leave it.
- Leave it now, mate, yeah? - Thanks for your time, Haris.
- Cheers for that. - What the fuck? Why would he do that?
- No, hang on a minute! Oi! - Oi, no, Shaun.
Why do you think you can come over here in front of my mates and talk to me like that?
What are you talking about?
Why do you think it's acceptable to come over and say you're Michelle's boyfriend?
Like I give a fuck.
Do you not think it would have been just left better unsaid? Know what I mean?
- No. I was doing it for Michelle. - Fuck off, mate.
What the fuck?
Fucking hell!
Get off!
Get off him!
- You heard me! - Just calm down!
- Calm down, mate! - Fucking idiot!
Stop it. Stop it.
- Drink some blood, you fucking knobheads. - Fucking idiot.
You OK, Shaun?
This is why I don't come out.